I am the reason

Sometimes I think I love too hard, and it freaks people out and drives them away. Am I the reason for the agonizing pain and heartache in my life? Should I try my hardest to remain detached and elusive and show distance if I ever eventually, someday,  start becoming interested in someone, so I will be desired?  Should I withhold fun dates and surprises and subdue my creative and romantic energy? Will anyone ever enjoy and want me for me and every aspect of who I am and what I have to offer? Will someone ever walk into my life and decide to never leave? Is it all wishful thinking? A fantasy? Is something wrong with me that it took me seven years to be in a relationship with someone, and several months to make it official while others can move on and start new relationships with new people within weeks? Am I the only one who grieves and loves this hard? Am I wrong for being so profoundly hurt, shocked, and bothered? Will I ever get my confidence back and feel comfortable trusting people again? Will I be able to look back on this post in a couple of years and marvel at how far I’ve come from this tormented pain?

“Perhaps if the future existed, concretely and individually, as something that could be discerned by a better brain, the past would not be so seductive: its demands would be balanced by those of the future” – Vladmir Nabokov

The Agony of Compassion

“Life, even amid the absurdity of human suffering, still has meaning. Suffering, as absurd as it seems, points to a greater story in which, if one will only construe himself as a character within, he can find fulfillment in his tragic role, knowing the plot is heading toward redemption. Such an understanding will take immense humility and immeasurable faith, a perspective perhaps achieved only in the context of near hopelessness” – Don Miller 

If she meant the words she said I wouldn’t have to question and doubt all of them. When someone you love with the fabric of your soul vanishes out of your life completely and leaves you alone in a cold parking lot in Albany never to see you again, it’s damaging and permanent. Continue reading “The Agony of Compassion” »