The other night I had this horrible nightmare that I truly believe exposed my deepest fear: abandonment. It was torturous, the dream left me terrified and heartbroken. People, and in my case women in particular unfortunately, are just so wildly unpredictable that you never know when they’re going to suddenly pick up and leave you behind or shut you out of their life entirely without any explanation, even if you have a great friendship and countless memories. It’s something my mind will never grasp but I’ve seen it happen far too many times. It’s a part of humanity that I do not comprehend, cannot identify with, and don’t know what it would be like to do that to someone. I think of girls I dated or attempted to date. I think of my best friend’s ex-wife who randomly left not only him but all of us and without any clear reason whatsoever. I think about how to this day my heart still smolders with unforgiving bitterness when I think of her. If there had been an explanation then I think I could rest easy and I wouldn’t feel the way I do towards her. A sound explanation would be settling, but because there is not one in all of these cases, my tormented mind buries this one fear deep inside a dark, shadowy and hellish place; one that just so happened to rear its ugly face last night in my dream where I begged the person in it for answers but she did not give me one, as if she had turned into something that was no longer human; as if an internal switch had gone off making her into something else, turning off her humanity. It was unsettling, disgusting and weird, and yet it’s not something I haven’t witnessed in the physical realm. It terrifies me and I do not understand it.
is when I am away from ‘home.’ In fact, for me, it’s hard to say where home really is. I have fallen in love with too many places throughout my travels and have made an ever so growing list of locations I could see myself living for at least a time. Nothing makes me feel more at home than being out on the open road, exploring some new part of America or another country, taking detours and exits through unexplored towns and cities.
It makes sense why the nomadic lifestyle has so much appeal. With Jack Kerouac and Alexander Supertramp as convincing guides, a secure future really is the most dangerous thing to the adventurous spirit. I try to remind myself of this every time I think about the future and it actually encourages me to know that if I had a totally secure set-in-stone future, how miserable and unfulfilled that would be. What is life without some kind of epic story of struggle, discovery, love, loss, defeat, triumph, redemption? Continue reading “where i feel most at home” »
As one of Peter Pan’s Lost Boys, it would only make sense that I would escape turning another year older by a few hours. Besides, there’s no place I rather spend my birthday than a beautiful coast that is both warm and sunny.. for me: uncharted territory and experience.. something fresh.
After weeks and weeks of endless rain and dreary depressing weather, I’m escaping this coast and heading to the other, down and to the left.
I had a very special feeling the first time I visited Los Angeles. There was a clear unprecedented sentiment that swept over me and I couldn’t deny this rather unexpected sensational connection. Continue reading “a holiday from real” »