My biggest fear wasn’t that you’d lie to me one day or that you’d cheat on me. My biggest fear was that you’d wake up before me one late winter weekend and instead of leaning in and kissing me or attempting to snuggle up close to me, you would keep to your side of the bed and ignore my presence. I feared you would look at me sleeping and suddenly, or gradually, feel indifference.
My biggest fear was that you no longer wanted to be around me and would rather be by yourself or with someone else. I feared I would become a burden, that I wouldn’t be worth fighting for or keeping around, that you would unexpectedly and for no particular reason, fall out of love with me and leave me alone.
My biggest fear was that I would finally embrace a companion and a best friend, build a loving relationship where my heart was 100% invested and given over, grow together and share adventures and plans, and then suddenly have it all vanish leaving me to face a dark, unstable, and cruel world all by myself. I feared my hopes and dreams would be smashed and shredded, that I’d lose my chance forever.
I feared having to go back to my life before her, where my days and nights were spent alone, empty, unfulfilled, hollow, and sad. I feared being invited out to bars and restaurants to meet new women, because I didn’t want to meet anyone again. My biggest fear was watching as my friends around me met people who stuck with them no matter what, but I was unable to meet someone who would stick with me. I feared someone wouldn’t find me worth it to do everything they could to make it work with me, even though I wouldn’t ever think twice to do so with them.
I feared stepping back out into the darkness and having to live there, where my heart screamed with a writhing pain that wished to die, and I feared being unwanted. And my ultimate fear was that one day, these fears would be fulfilled.