An Appointment With The Divine

 

photo credit: Juliann Gates

photo credit: Juliann Gates

“If you knew that your life was merely a phase or short, short segment of your entire existence, how would you live? Knowing nothing ‘real’ was at risk, what would you do? You’d live a gigantic, bold, fun, dazzling life. You know you would. That’s what the ghosts want us to do – all the exciting things they no longer can” – Chuck Palahniuk

She stands as a colossal Victorian deteriorating like a forgotten cathedral  on the Philadelphia street corner of Broad and Fairmount. The days of elegance and grandeur have passed away beneath the tomb of her hollow arches only to re-emerge with an even more distinct majesty and allure.

Lorraine beckoned to me for years, her towering presence and asbestos dust seeped beneath my skin. It was only a matter of time until I’d find my way deep into the heart of her presence. From a cold black basement chasing light up a swirling marble staircase up ten stories to a massive penthouse ballroom turned hollow shell of abandonment. Where once the melodic clinking of silverware on fine china clattered against the muffled laughter and chatter of hundreds of guests dressed in their classiest attire was now condensed to a faint whisper in a slow swirl of white dust against sunlight peeking through empty arched window frames. Continue reading “An Appointment With The Divine” »

Fear

The other night I had this horrible nightmare that I truly believe exposed my deepest fear: abandonment. It was torturous, the dream left me terrified and heartbroken. People, and in my case women in particular unfortunately, are just so wildly unpredictable that you never know when they’re going to suddenly pick up and leave you behind or shut you out of their life entirely without any explanation, even if you have a great friendship and countless memories. It’s something my mind will never grasp but I’ve seen it happen far too many times. It’s a part of humanity that I do not comprehend, cannot identify with, and don’t know what it would be like to do that to someone. I think of girls I dated or attempted to date. I think of my best friend’s ex-wife who randomly left not only him but all of us and without any clear reason whatsoever. I think about how to this day my heart still smolders with unforgiving bitterness when I think of her. If there had been an explanation then I think I could rest easy and I wouldn’t feel the way I do towards her. A sound explanation would be settling, but because there is not one in all of these cases, my tormented mind buries this one fear deep inside a dark, shadowy and hellish place; one that just so happened to rear its ugly face last night in my dream where I begged the person in it for answers but she did not give me one, as if she had turned into something that was no longer human; as if an internal switch had gone off making her into something else, turning off her humanity. It was unsettling, disgusting and weird, and yet it’s not something I haven’t witnessed in the physical realm. It terrifies me and I do not understand it.

"The light shines in the darkness but the darkness has not understood it" - John 1:5

“The light shines in the darkness but the darkness has not understood it” – John 1:5

en amour avec Montréal

Parc du Mont Royal, Montréal, Quebec, Canada

 

“Nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun” – Chris McCandless 

Just a little over seven hours north of Philadelphia / South Jersey is the second predominantly French speaking city in the world. Straight up interstate 87, just beyond the Catskill and Adirondack mountains of upstate New York, a beautiful European city shimmers along the Saint Lawrence River. Having been to Paris, I can honestly say that Montréal is as close as you can get without going to France. Continue reading “en amour avec Montréal” »